I don’t know how many people still look on here..

You know... it’s been 10 years now. I just turned 19 years old. It has been 10 years and almost 4 months that you’ve been gone. It feels like it’s been longer but then again, it feels like it’s only been minutes.. I still don’t know how to cope, to be honest. I mean, I’ve learned how to help it and I have grown up A LOT since I was 8 years old. But I still don’t know how to live in a world where my mother doesn’t exist. I think about her every second of every minute, of every day of every week, of every month and year. It’s hard to explain. Not a lot of people have had this occur to them but, I understood back then what happened that night. I was there and Dad was there, nobody else. I performed CPR on my mother. I didn’t even know what CPR was, I just copied what Daddy was doing. But I was intelligent enough to know what had happened and why. I know what happened to her, I was right in front of her. An arms reach away from her.

I never healed. I will never heal. However, I do know that she is still with me and I know that she is happy. She’s not even entirely gone.. I like to think that she is just away. I’ve made my peace with it as much as I can. No matter what age you are, after something like this, you’re never the same again. Not just because it was my mom and I was only 8. Mainly because it was a tragedy. It was an unpreventable tragedy. It wasn’t in a hospital filled with doctors, we didn’t say “goodbye” or “I love you”. It was just a tragedy. One minute, everything is scary and then the next, it’s just eerie silence. It’s never something you can just get over. I will always remember that morning, for the rest of my life. It’s like a life process and just an endless cycle of grieving. I have to admit though, it does get a little easier after time. A lot of time!

I wish we got to do the things that mothers and daughters are supposed to do. I wish we got the chance to hang out, go out to eat, go shopping, cook together, dance and sing, talk late at night until the sun comes up, laugh until cry and cry until we laugh, and a million other things we missed out on.

But it’s all alright because we will one day. I know she’s happy and she feels better. She is the most beautiful, strongest woman I’ll ever know. Beautiful inside and out. I also know she’s singing her heart out and dancing her feet off all night long. I can’t wait till the moment we can both dance and sing together. Even if we look like our dancing needs a little work! After 10 years, I can say now that I still hurt just as much as I feel better.

I love you with all my heart Mama, more than you’ll ever know. I miss you with every piece of me that’s still left. Oh, I miss you so so much..